The Nightmare’s Over…

After some time of talking about how our week had been, we bade each other good night before heading off…

…and he said, “Don’t have anymore nightmares, k.”

I smiled and I knew.

Says the Lord…

11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD. “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,” declares the LORD.

Jeremiah 29:11-14

Such strong words… it’s what keeps me alive.

Taking a vacation from reality…

Recently, in my mind, sits an intriguing someone. He isn’t shy to take up too much space in my mind, no, he seats himself comfortably right in the center of my attention. Although I only get to see him once a week – which day, really depends on convenience sake; he never seems to leave my mind. Just thinking about him makes me smile and wish that the male population could be a little bit more like him, then maybe, the world would be a better place for relationships.

The question wanders, I’m sure. When did I meet this person? He and I first crossed paths a few years ago, but unfortunately, he never struck me as attractive. Many girls around me swoon all over him but it never once appealed to me as “it” material. However, just recently – say, approximately 6 months ago – he finally caught my attention and earned his place in my heart.

As the months passed, he made many improvisions to be even more compatible with me. How close to perfection, he has now become. Sometimes I wonder if he would ever leave my mind. With his calm, collected aloofnes; the way his humor and mine just never clash, and just how great is the limit of his patience with my spoilt princess lifestyle – can I really not think about him? He makes my heart skip beats and my stomach churn with butterflies! Ahh, bliss…

He never fails me, at any point of time I need him to rise above.

Now, tell me… where can you find a guy like that?

Ready, set… go?

Things are finally settling itself back to normal. As normal as it gets.

Everyone has left and things are going back to the way they were. Quiet. I should be happy because at the start of summer, a part of me wanted everything to stay the way things were before summer ever happened. I didn’t want anything to change; even though it would lead to pure, mindless fun that had solely no attachments. But I knew better. I knew that there was no such thing as fun without addiction. Sometimes, if it was pure addiction, I wouldn’t have mind so much. I know myself more than anyone and I knew I would be hurt at the end of the day. The day would come, I knew it. But I thought I was prepared.

Now that everything is back to normal, I should be glad. I am glad. I can revert back to my life, where everything revolves around me again. No, I’m not that vain. My sister believes that a person requires as many years, to get over a lover, as she had been with him. This is in the perspective of a girl; a teenage girl. But it’s been nearly three years now and that’s been as long as we had been. It is time for things to finally go back to normal.

But everything around me seems to be making my life difficult. As time flies by, my friends are now gone. I am, sad to say, happy that some of them are gone and out of my life but the one or two that matter to me are just not next to me anymore. Although I know there are IMs and SMSes but the two most important people in my life, next to my sister and parents, are not next to me anymore. They cannot be by my side when I need a good laugh or a shoulder to cry on; a hug when I’m upset. Unfortunately, my best girl friend is in no position to move closer to me, physically and my best guy friend… is my ex – and I can only move further away from him, just to be normal again. I cannot be stuck in this grey zone forever. But can I really move away from a person and still be close to him, just as friends?

I don’t want to lose him… even as a friend.

Being at home here, is not making my life any easier. It is a selfish thought and I know I’m being bitter but seeing my sister’s boyfriend shower her with gifts from his holiday trip. Not to mention the routine phone calls that are becoming to be nightly now. I know. I want to be her sister and listen to her brag about how sweet her guy is to her but I cannot feel anything but stale about it. I want her to tell me because I want to be her confidant. I want her to be happy and I am happy for her. I know. It’s no one’s fault. But if there was anyway to make this easier for me not to feel like salt seeping into my open wounds, tell me. I’m hurting and I cannot take this anymore…

Here is the plain white truth. I cannot stand the thought of being alone but I don’t want just anyone. I cannot withstand the prick, which is turning into something more of a stab, that is jabbing at my bleeding heart. How can I get over this ache when everyone around me seems like they are sneering at me? I know they aren’t but I cannot feel anything else.

No one knows what goes on after the lights go out at night. When everyone else is settled comfortably in their bed and snoring until dreamland comes… what am I doing? No one will ever understand what goes through my mind, my heart. All everyone knows to do, is to say things to me, like they expect me to toughen up and move on but did anyone ever stop to think how hard is it for me, even to lift a finger and take an inch forward; when it meant leaving behind some of the greatest memories of my life?

Sometimes, I wish the people who talk to me could think in my shoes; feel in my shoes – and stop telling me what I have to do to straighten my life out… because I already know all the shoulds and supposes. People tell me that they know how I feel and that it’s just like what they have been through. It’s nonsense. No doubt everyone goes through break ups and get hurt but there is no hurt that is ever the same. So no one can ever understand, truly, how the next person feels when he/she is hurting.

So please, don’t tell me about understanding or that situations were the same. It is not. Don’t give me the looks and silent sighs that say “you’re exaggerating this. it isn’t that great a suffering…”.

Just be there for me… until I am ready. Although I wonder, when will I be ready?

Will I ever be ready?

Childish wants…

I’m such a child…

The slightest, smallest thing brings a smile to my face. Just like a child. I suppose my smiles come as easy as my tears. Or is it just when it comes to him?

It intrigues me, how he makes me cry all the time – inside more than the outside – but all at the same time, he makes me happy; smiling from cheek to cheek. Just like a child with candy.

What is it that he holds in me that makes me so vulnerable? Or is this the real person that I am hiding behind an image of which I created from pride?

- “He’s her special case…”

First in AGES.

TAGGED BY: Poo Poo.

Rules & Regulations:
Do not copy answers
Tag questions must be 100% same
Tag people before doing the tag

I tag:
1. Poo Poo
2. Jesse
3. Emma
4. Mindy
5. Steffi
6. Felicity
7. Stefan
8. Serena
9. Anna

How do you know 1? (Poo Poo)
She is my baby sista

What would you do if you never meet 2? (Jesse)
I would’ve never known that boys at the age of 17 could share the same humor as a 50 year old men jk jk! I would be sad because he is such a great cuzzie! xD

What would you do if 3 & 4 dated? (Emma, Mindy)
Normally I would be weirded out but since we all agreed that Mindy is “not straight”, I guess it would be okay. Hehe! (Inside joke about the lesbian part >.<)

Would 5 & 6 make a good couple? (Steffi, Felicity)
Hell no! Both hard headed sweeties… one of them might kill the other if they were a couple

Do you think 7 is attractive? (Stefan)
To my sister he is.

Tell me something about 9 (Anna)
She is a great cook!! xD

What’s 1’s favourite past time? (Poo Poo)
Playing her music, i think >.<

What language does 2 speak? (Jesse)
English and outta tune Hokkien… maybe some BM but that doesn’t count as a language to me!

Who is 3 going out with? (Emma)
This guy, whom she calls Pumpkin

How old is 4? (Mindy)
20 in the year 2008.

When was the last time you talked to 5? (Steffi)
Not that long ago… I think about less than a month ago. But I miss her

Who is 6’s favourite singer? (Felicity)
Err.. I dunno…*sorry!*

Would you date 7? (Stefan)
>.< No, not at all…. no offense

Is 8 single? (Serena)
Yes.

What’s 9’s last name? (Anna)
Wong.

Would you consider being in a relationship with 1? (Poo Poo)
We have sorta been in one since she was born.

Which school does 2 go to? (Jesse)
Used to be Lodge, but he is coming to Swinburne!! Yaaaay xD *makes big welcoming banner*

What do you like about 3? (Emma)
Everything about her!! Since we are rather alike! xD

Untitled

She wears high heels
I wear sneakers
She’s cheer captain and I’m on the bleachers
Dreaming about the day when you wake up
And find that what you’re looking for has been here the whole time

If you could see that I’m the one who understands you
Been here all along so why can’t you see?

---

I don’t get it. One day you say one thing, the next you say another. You said that it was time for us to leave our comfort zone, so that our friendship can remain unaffected. How much longer will that excuse hold up? Because from where I see things, I don’t even see the “friendship”. Don’t walk all over me when you feel that you need a little company or something to make you feel good about yourself. For once in your life, think about me… because I’ve always thought for your best.

Whoever said “do unto others as you want done to you” was true? No matter how nice I am to you or how I always seem to put you before myself, even when it makes the least sense… what do I get in return? Maybe you are so oblivious as to think that maybe I am doing this because I still love you. I don’t.

At least not as a lover anymore… but that doesn’t mean I am willing to throw away our friendship that has been there even before everything else happened. Unfortunately for me, I’m certain now – more than ever – that you see me as nothing more than a comfort cushion. Sometimes I wonder if you even remember that I am only human… and that I have feelings, which you seem to always forget.

Maybe I am the one who is being dense. Maybe I have over-valued this friendship, that I have overestimated your willingness to remain as one of my closest friends.

1 Corinthians 13:4 says all that love is and isn’t. Clearly, Corinthians did not want the world to know this: Love destroys.

Whoever said the world was fair? Ever.

I’m sick of this.

Give me a call when it is.

Stay Close, Don’t go…

If you leave me tonight, I’ll wake up alone,

don’t tell me I will make it on my own,

don’t leave me tonight,

this heart of stone will sing till it dies,

if you leave me tonight.

Eventually, everyone will leave; like it or not. People change and there is nothing avoidable about that; nothing fixable or curable. So it is time to stop leaning on the people around and start to care a little less about everyone.

That is what makes a person stronger; no attachments, no burdens.

Right?

Protected: My letter of honesty to you…

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

Slowly…

This must be how she used to feel. Maybe back then it wasn’t so bad because we weren’t that close. Not this close. I guess I was too blinded to see that was how I made, not only her, but everyone else feel; because I never had to endure that feeling before, that it haunts me now. Had I ever made her feel like she couldn’t depend on me back when I had a boyfriend in my life? Even though we weren’t close, I probably did. I’m sorry.

Make no mistakes, I’m happy for her; thrilled that she has found her special someone. Even if this may only be a temporal relationship, I know he would treat her well and that she is happy after all the hard times people around her have been giving her. I was luckier back then; my friends were more supportive and excited for me when I declared that I was finally with the guy I had been so in love with. For her, there were so many… complications. With her father being a little more strict with her guy than he had been with mine; her friends not giving her the support that she should receive; and how they perceived her guy to be nothing short of suspicious. There were a couple of them who showed her the well deserving support; so few. She is happy, so I am happy… am I?

As she lay asleep, I watched her and wondered, will she ever change because of one guy? She made me promise to tell her whenever I felt that she was changing for the worst; whenever I felt that she was changing because of her guy. I gave a nod, but thoughts ran wildly through my mind. So far, she is still the same person I know her to be; level headed and dependable, fun and care free. But how long can a person stay that way, once they have found love? Could I really bring myself to tell her that she has changed, once she does? It is not a thought of bitterness, but experience. I have known so many people and they all changed the moment they fell in love; infatuated puppy love or true love, regardless. As far as I remembered, I was happy when I was with him; when no one told me that I had changed. Then I realized that maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t tell her when the time comes. Truth be told, I do not think that it avoidable if one changes for his/her lover; its nature taking its course… the people surrounding him/her are only supporting roles that should never interfere. After all, she will only go through all this once with this one guy; where as, I will forever be her big sister. I can wait for her to come back to me one day… some day. I musn’t let my own longing for a special someone in my life, to stop her from having an experience of a lifetime. For now, I will choose to let her enjoy herself with him; change or no change.

---

People come and go in our lives; things change all the time, I just need to adapt myself. Although sometimes, I feel that my life is more problematic compared to anyone else; probably because I meet so many problem-people. Those who decided to go their own way and stray from our friendship is inevitable, but those who are fire starters about small petty, sometimes irrational, issues; some, in particular, think so highly of themselves as to think that I would have the time to waste on them; by doing rubbish deeds. I see no need to explain myself, not because I am defensive or guilty, but because explanations often leads to the interpretation that one is guilty. All I have to say is, I don’t have the time to waste on such insignificant doings; sorry to the disappoint the person concerned.

Looking around now, I may have resented more people than necessary and hung onto those who were in my past for a little too long. Maybe it is time to let go and embrace what life throws at me. Yeah, yeah. I’ve been told. It just won’t do when the heart is not ready to accept or to let go. Telling oneself that everything will be okay or that everything IS okay, doesn’t make it okay. It’s just convincing yourself that things are okay when clearly, they are not. There is no way to make a person feel okay when he/she isn’t ready to accept things for they way it is. Only time can heal; cliche. If only time heals a little faster… then maybe everything will truly be okay.

Adapting to change is not an option.

…but I will take my time.